Breaking Up Without Rancor
How I had a smooth divorce in 1987
Most people walk down the aisle on their wedding day thinking that things will never end, but life happens. I know two couples who just announced their intention to dissolve their marriage and things are getting ugly. My heart breaks for all of them and the children involved. But does it have to be that way?
We get married because we think we’ve found our soulmate, our forever person, don’t we? Happily ever after sounds romantic and hopeful. But time can change us in a million little ways. Some people realize quickly that they’re not cut out for marriage. They have no interest in taking someone else’s needs and priorities into consideration before they make plans for the day, weekend or future. Others find the sameness of a single partner boring or under-stimulating. Sometimes it’s parenthood that feels overwhelming causing one parent to flee.
As I see the people I care about struggling to find their way forward, I’m reminded of my own experience navigating a divorce. I had heard of a Unitarian Universalist “Celebration of Hope” which is a divorce ceremony “designed to intentionally close a chapter in a healthy, sacred, and affirming way, similar to how a wedding marks a beginning,” according to the UU Church of San Diego. Alas, my soon-to-be-“wasband” nixed the idea. While he agreed the marriage had run its course, he didn’t want to mark it with any type of celebration.
We had married very young…at age twenty-one. Sixteen years later we were living in Indianapolis with two daughters, a recently closed business, a large house on half an acre of land and a rock band that was falling apart along with our marriage. Though we weren’t hosting a dissolution party, we were determined to have an amicable divorce. Here’s what we both knew…this separation wasn’t about money, property or stuff. It was about finding our ways forward without hatred or bitterness. The marriage had been about love, and the divorce needed to be the same.
We started with the stuff. We got a legal pad and went room by room. Yours, mine, yours, mine. We made our way through that 4400 square foot house until every item had been assigned to its new solo owner. It took one hour. We have beautiful family antiques, valuable art, instruments and a massive vinyl collection. But there was no bickering or fighting over any of it. There were plenty of possessions to go around.
We each hired legal representatives but didn’t allow them to nudge us into a fight, either. I remember my attorney suggesting I was entitled to part of Gesualdo’s family sheet metal business that he and his brothers had inherited. I declined. My philosophy was that it belonged to them and I was capable of finding my own way forward. Were there times when I regretted that decision when I was working as a part-time substitute teacher trying to make it on my own? Definitely. But long term, I was right.
Not that I’m trying to represent myself as blindly generous. We also reached a harmonious split on investments, though those came from his family, too, and we disagreed at first on how that division should go.
Our children were thirteen and sixteen when we detached and we felt it was crucial that they not experience additional trauma as we created two households. Visitation and support were handled as simply and fairly as possible despite the fact that I moved from Indiana to California after the break was finalized.
Two years ago Kyrie separated from her long term partner. Their relationship had come to the end of the line, but they have a precious, almost-teenaged child together. Kyrie told her mate that her parents’ divorce was the model they should follow. A break up with no rancor, keeping peace and love as the tie that binds going forward. We are all proof that it’s possible, desirable and better than bitter battles.
Perhaps you’ve read about the Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow conscious uncoupling in 2015. That term originated with a psychotherapist, Katherine Woodward Thomas, who had been using the process with clients since 2009. A sociologist, Diane Vaughan created “uncoupling theory” in 1976, but we hadn’t read about this work when Gesualdo and I broke up in 1987. What we knew is that we were moving on from our marriage and wanted it to be done without destroying each other. It worked for us and we’ll be comfortable when we see each other next month at Kyrie’s wedding where her sister, Rena, will be the Maid of Honor. Kyrie was also the Maid of Honor for Rena at her wedding over twenty five years ago—evidence that our breakup didn’t ruin the concept of marriage for our girls. A feeling of love, acceptance and celebration will be the focus of the upcoming wedding day. As it should be.
I love this, Joyce! To separate with love as your foundation principal is remarkable. I would have loved this in my divorce but there was so much anger, which eclipses love instantly.